today i feel improved.
I was calm. I was collected. The ex was, thankfully, lucid. The children get to come home this weekend. It means more expense and a tighter budget, but I'm glad to have them on their way soon. I've missed them so much.
then there was the visit to see my chiropractor. Amazing stuff that. He was surprised to find that I am healing faster than he'd expected. :) So proud of this I am. I've been following the exercises I've been given and have worked hard to avoid some of the bad habits I've fallen into (crossing my legs for hours on end while I sit at my desk, leaning on one elbow, etc). Funny thing is...I feel taller. How weird.
so...as a reward... I write a tiny bit and then move on to Dim Sum and a Fat Tire. *nod* I deserve a little treat.
...maybe I'll even wrangle in some artwork tonight. I need to draw... my hands ache to hold a pencil and put it to paper...
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
screw it
...I'm driving down there and bringing 'em all back. I hate to cheat the ex out of his time with the little ones, but... the children need stability in their lives... not their own private cuckoos nest.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
furious
so today... I rant.
I think that I am a pretty kind and forgiving person. I feel that there is no one perfect, me least of all. Raised by a woman who is, in my opinion, one of the best human beings I know... my mom. I have followed the few rules of life she passed on to me:
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Be honest.
don't judge others.
That's what I've tried to do. Those are the core tenants of WHO I am.
That being said, I didn't follow any of these tenants when my ex kicked me out of our house so that he could move in his 19 year old girlfriend. Baby-sitter-homewrecker indeed ($1 to Rich Skare) I was FURIOUS with that man. He let his mental illness turn him into a monster, manipulated and controlled me for years, and then gave me the boot because I was no longer young enough or pretty enough... and because I had finally grown a bit of my backbone back and was standing up to his crazy demands and tirades. I was a hard nosed little shit of an ex-wife (or so I was told by his now ex-baby-sitter-homewrecker).
What did I do you ask? Well, I expected him to pay his FULL share of child support...which he has never done. There's always some excuse, he MUST follow his dreams... but never does he evidence enough suck-uppedness to just go and get a normal job and actually support his children in a manner which I feel they are more than deserving of. I asked that he pay half of the cost of child support when our youngest had to be in paid day care... he refused. He's never helped pay for the kids medical expenses, though there are promises of such. And, while he IS finally paying his 'share' of child support on a regular basis... he only pays 1/4 of what most men pay to their ex-wives in form of child support.
But... I am not an awful bitch at heart, contrary to the belief some other might hold. It was important to give the children a civil relationship between us so that they can know their dad as something other than the ogre who destroyed their mom's hopes and dreams. (he really did destroy those... our marriage was a very, very precious thing to me and I sacrificed my bloody sanity and the mental well being of our children trying to "do the right thing" and stay in what was ultimately, a lost cause. Over the past few years we have managed a civil friendship, and the children get to enjoy their summers with their father...
until this summer.
I must digress back in time to make this clear... a couple years ago, the ex was taken to the hospital where he nearly died. He had been drinking heavily and his body almost gave out. He was told at that time that he needed to stop drinking. He did. He also announced to me around the same time that the ER doc mentioned that he MIGHT have DID. This made one eyebrow on my face do the Spock thing. In the past few months, when speaking to the ex on the phone... he has sounded drunk. With him for 20 years... I know what the man sounds like when he's drunk. He's a damn fool when he's drunk. I called him on it... and he lied to me, stating he didn't drink, wasn't drinking... Well... he HAS been.
I week or so back, he got drunk. He got crazy. My eldest and her nonnie (who lives with my ex) had to call 911 and have his ass carted off the ER. I'd just sent them down for the summer and the ER drama has begun. Joy. Even better, after he is returned home, I am informed by the ex that he is on some sort of heavy drug to help him resist the alcohol AND he informs me again that the ER doc thinks he has DID. (my understanding is that DID has to be diagnosed by a Psychiatrist/Psychologist after a course of counselling to determine if the person REALLY has DID or some other psychological issues in play) Read the article I linked to... in every other country of the world EXCEPT the United States, DID diagnosis are quite low. They are insanely high here.
Anyway... according to my eldest, this "alternate" personality hates her. It has resulted in her being yelled and and made to feel really low about herself... and as a 15 year old, she's dealing with enough of THAT already. But last night was it. Before going to bed... the ex tells my eldest that she's not being "her" any more, she's a depressive piece of shit.
WHAT THE F(#*?!?!?!? I may have a sharp tongue and swear like a pirate when I'm upset... but I do NOT tell the children things which would negatively impact their self worth or mental health. I don't get paid till Friday, and funds are tight... but Gosh darn it all... I am flying the eldest back home just as soon as I can get the scratch together to do so.
Grrr.
I think that I am a pretty kind and forgiving person. I feel that there is no one perfect, me least of all. Raised by a woman who is, in my opinion, one of the best human beings I know... my mom. I have followed the few rules of life she passed on to me:
Treat others the way you want to be treated.
Be honest.
don't judge others.
That's what I've tried to do. Those are the core tenants of WHO I am.
That being said, I didn't follow any of these tenants when my ex kicked me out of our house so that he could move in his 19 year old girlfriend. Baby-sitter-homewrecker indeed ($1 to Rich Skare) I was FURIOUS with that man. He let his mental illness turn him into a monster, manipulated and controlled me for years, and then gave me the boot because I was no longer young enough or pretty enough... and because I had finally grown a bit of my backbone back and was standing up to his crazy demands and tirades. I was a hard nosed little shit of an ex-wife (or so I was told by his now ex-baby-sitter-homewrecker).
What did I do you ask? Well, I expected him to pay his FULL share of child support...which he has never done. There's always some excuse, he MUST follow his dreams... but never does he evidence enough suck-uppedness to just go and get a normal job and actually support his children in a manner which I feel they are more than deserving of. I asked that he pay half of the cost of child support when our youngest had to be in paid day care... he refused. He's never helped pay for the kids medical expenses, though there are promises of such. And, while he IS finally paying his 'share' of child support on a regular basis... he only pays 1/4 of what most men pay to their ex-wives in form of child support.
But... I am not an awful bitch at heart, contrary to the belief some other might hold. It was important to give the children a civil relationship between us so that they can know their dad as something other than the ogre who destroyed their mom's hopes and dreams. (he really did destroy those... our marriage was a very, very precious thing to me and I sacrificed my bloody sanity and the mental well being of our children trying to "do the right thing" and stay in what was ultimately, a lost cause. Over the past few years we have managed a civil friendship, and the children get to enjoy their summers with their father...
until this summer.
I must digress back in time to make this clear... a couple years ago, the ex was taken to the hospital where he nearly died. He had been drinking heavily and his body almost gave out. He was told at that time that he needed to stop drinking. He did. He also announced to me around the same time that the ER doc mentioned that he MIGHT have DID. This made one eyebrow on my face do the Spock thing. In the past few months, when speaking to the ex on the phone... he has sounded drunk. With him for 20 years... I know what the man sounds like when he's drunk. He's a damn fool when he's drunk. I called him on it... and he lied to me, stating he didn't drink, wasn't drinking... Well... he HAS been.
I week or so back, he got drunk. He got crazy. My eldest and her nonnie (who lives with my ex) had to call 911 and have his ass carted off the ER. I'd just sent them down for the summer and the ER drama has begun. Joy. Even better, after he is returned home, I am informed by the ex that he is on some sort of heavy drug to help him resist the alcohol AND he informs me again that the ER doc thinks he has DID. (my understanding is that DID has to be diagnosed by a Psychiatrist/Psychologist after a course of counselling to determine if the person REALLY has DID or some other psychological issues in play) Read the article I linked to... in every other country of the world EXCEPT the United States, DID diagnosis are quite low. They are insanely high here.
Anyway... according to my eldest, this "alternate" personality hates her. It has resulted in her being yelled and and made to feel really low about herself... and as a 15 year old, she's dealing with enough of THAT already. But last night was it. Before going to bed... the ex tells my eldest that she's not being "her" any more, she's a depressive piece of shit.
WHAT THE F(#*?!?!?!? I may have a sharp tongue and swear like a pirate when I'm upset... but I do NOT tell the children things which would negatively impact their self worth or mental health. I don't get paid till Friday, and funds are tight... but Gosh darn it all... I am flying the eldest back home just as soon as I can get the scratch together to do so.
Grrr.
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